Heaven is smiling down

It's 4 days until The Boy and I get married. I'm not nervous about committing to him for the rest of my life, I love him and he makes me happy and as far as I'm concerned we were made for each other. I have faith in myself, in him and in our life together.

I'm still nervous about the wedding though. I made the decision recently to be positive about it, to not get so furious at the world for trying to fit me into the bride mould, for stereotyping me, for not hearing me. I was so frustrated with people treating me so differently, despite telling them as bluntly as I could that nothing had changed and I wasn't suddenly losing all my ideals or changing my perspectives.

I realised how futile it was and that all I was doing was making myself miserable. It will take more than one person to change the patriarchal views of thousands of years and clearly I am not that person. I shall peer over the top of an Erica Jong book and roll my eyes at the world instead.

I do not want people to make speeches or toasts at the wedding, I'd rather the room be filled with laughter and dancing and everyone I care about having a great time and let it just all flow organically with no structure.

Having said that, I wrote a speech for Darren to say how much I love him. Sometimes things don't need to be said, but in typical me fashion, I have written it anyway. I'm a lover and a writer.

*****just to be clear. I am not making this speech at the wedding. I don't want any speeches, that's why I'm writing this*****

"I agreed to marry Darren because it's what he wanted, and by now I think I've proved to him that I will do anything within my power to make him happy. Everyone says this is supposed to be the happiest day of my life, my big special day... well every day with Darren is special and I've been happier than I ever thought I could be since the day I met him. I don't need anything more than that so a wedding was surplus to requirements as far as I was concerned - but in typical Darren fashion he's going above and beyond. Going that extra distance! Those of you who know Darren will understand this about him and why being married to him makes me the luckiest girl in the world. Not because I'm married, not because I'm in "the stress dress" but because I have everything in the world that I could ever need. Him."

Ziggy played guitarrrrrraaaaarrrrraaaarrrrrr.

Title: The Wedding Song by David Bowie

Please don't tear this world asunder

"There they sat, those two happy ones, grown-up and yet children - children in heart, while all around them glowed bright summer - warm glorious summer.
~ Hans Christian Anderson: The Snow Queen

Come out, come out, don't be afraid. I know I've been positively pant-wettingly scary for the past couple of months, but you've got to understand how frustrating life has been for me recently.

Faced with a barrage of never ending questions about the wedding and faced with being crammed, kicking and screaming into "The Bride" mould I have been struggling to maintain my identity. As far as I'm concerned, being labelled "The Bride" deserves me reacting like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill.

But then Spring came, and with it I thawed. I'm safe in the knowledge that in less than 2 weeks no one will treat me like this again and instead I will be left with the memories of a day full of the happy smiling faces of my beloved friends and family.

A day where I may have to behave like a grown up, but will be dancing through it in ruby slippers and with David Bowie pants under my dress. A day where all other things aside, I will become legally bound to The boy, my boy, whom I love.

And it's the sunshine of his love that is keeping me warm and smiling at the moment - can't you see it reflected in the very weather outside? Sakura blossoms bloom, honeysuckle is crawling up the banks of the river as I zoom along on Tallulahbelle, singing to myself. Only a few more days to Paris. Ah Paris. My spiritual home.

Ziggy played guitarrrrrraaaaarrrrraaaarrrrrr.

Title: A Better Future by David Bowie