So sick and dirty more dead than alive

I apologise in advance to anyone reading this with a weak constitution. Ladies and gentlemen put down your cake and cover your eyes because we're going to get graphic.

My GOD I'm in such a state. I have gastroenteritis which is basically a stomach flu and hoo boy it ain't pretty! Since Friday, everything that I have eaten or drunk has come rocketing out of my poor tattered arse at 265 mph. The only thing faster than my bowels is a Bugatti Veyron.

And to make it worse? It seems that gravity rules over my bowel control because at one point on Friday I stood up and immediately shat my pants. Literally. My stomach is a constant, churning mass which emits impressive gurgling sounds and hurts like fuck. Oh and I'm so dehydrated because literally every sip of water hurtles back out before I can count to 10.

If that's not visual enough for you, please enjoy discovering what I look like right now...


I'm so glad that The Boy is in Slough because otherwise it would be difficult to maintain the facade that I do not poo. Like Baby Spice. (Thank you Kevin and Perry)

But on the plus side I have had over 4,000 hits on this bitch so far. That's just freakish!



Speaking of blogs have y'all enjoyed my new recipe blog Everything Goes With Toast? Since I've been off sick the only productive thing I've been able to do is update it. Ironic since I can't frigging eat anything, huh?

Ziggy played guitarrrrrraaaaarrrrraaaarrrrrr.


Title: I'm Waiting For The Man by David Bowie

2 comments:

Spalderdash said...

You are so fucking sexy.

Praise Zeus Darren is away! You don't want him being shat on by your "poor tattered arse" (<--- that made me snort), and DUDE! It is unfair that you should create such a glorious recipe blog, only to then shit out your delightful creations before you've had time to digest them. Uncool, man. Very uncool.

I hope you're feeling lots better soon. xxxxxx

Etoile Filante said...

Oh my arse. My poor arse.
I have some ELECTROLYTE powder now which I am told will rehydrate me and stop my arse exploding. Which would admittedly be nice.