Red Money

Every time the counter on this blog hits another 1,000 visits my brain goes "puhuh?"

If I wasn't dyscalculic and therefore absolutely retarded at maths I would be logical and say "well my old blog got between 30 and 90 hits per day, there are over 600 people on my Facebook friends list - realistically 3,000 views by its third month is not a stupid number" but my brain does not like numbers in any format which is why it operates on an "I has a money? YAY! SHOPPING!" basis and not on a "you have £X coming in, you have £Y going out, you may only spend £Z" basis.

Which is why until recently I was in debt. Moment to celebrate about that please! (the being out of debt, not the getting into debt in the first place) Being independent means you have to pay your mortgage and your bills on your own. Which is hard, especially when you have a hectic social life and a generous nature. I spent those years thinking "don't panic! When I'm living with someone again we'll split the costs and I'll be able to pay off my debts" I was wrong. Being in a couple means you have someone else to spend money on as well as yourself. It took me about 9 months to pay off my debts instead of the 6 I had predicted.

Demi Moore has this brilliant line in St Elmo's Fire when she admits to her friends that she's in debt and has fucked everything up "...and all this time I was afraid you'd find out I wasn't fabulous", then Rob Lowe comes back with "It's cool. All this time I was afraid you'd find out I was irresponsible".

If your friends are used to you being fabulous then it's hard to stop trying to perpetuate that image. I remember turning down invitations with the explanation of "I have no money" and they had no idea that it wasn't a case of "I can't afford to buy a new dress and go out for cocktails", it was a case of "I stole milk for my tea from my neighbours doorstep and I've eaten hummus on toast every day this week because I can't afford to buy anything else".

Because I know what it feels like to have no money I tend to be overly generous when I see someone in a situation where they want / need something and I am in a position to support them and provide it. 
It's easy to pretend that everything is fabulous rather than risk offending someone by admitting that you know they need help but there is no shame in needing help and money shouldn't be the taboo it is.

Ziggy played guitarrrrrraaaaarrrrraaaarrrrrr.

Title: Red Money by David Bowie