Comfortably Numb

"I can't explain, you wouldn't understand, this is not how I am"
~ Comfortably Numb; Pink Floyd.

OK so David Bowie did cover this song, and so it can legitimately be included in my Bowie-specific titles but I cannot credit anyone but The Floyd with it.

Sometimes when I dream I am actually partially awake and fully aware of the fact that I am laid in bed, dreaming. I can feel the soft cloud of my duvet, the sensation of my still body, heavy with sleep pressed into the mattress - it tethers me to earth whilst my mind is flying away, dreaming. It helps me sometimes control my own dreams.
I wake in the morning after these kinds of dreams with the feeling that I have been awake for an hour or more - which of course I have been, I just haven't fully crossed over from sleep to awake. It's a very peaceful way to wake up and the feeling of otherworldliness stays with me throughout the majority of the day.

I walked to work listening to music which fit my introspective mood - Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd, Meant To Be by Squirrel Nut Zippers, Delicate by Damien Rice, The Shining by Badly Drawn Boy, songs by Rufus Wainwright and Tori Amos. Gentle music. Music which gets my mood and doesn't challenge it.

There are some days where I'm sad or anxious and will turn to my failsafe song - Try A Little Tenderness by Otis Redding which has never failed to fill me with courage or hope on those occasions when I can't find it alone.

There are some days where I don't want to listen to a song which will cheer me up or calm me down or get me in the party spirit. Sometimes I just want to own the way I feel and go with it.

What I am feeling at the moment is a little lost. A little overwhelmed.

"I am not afraid of being overpowered by the impression. It will pass away soon enough"
~ Mr Bennett, Pride and Prejudice

By tomorrow I'm sure I will be back to my usual bouncy "I can do anything, anything ANYTHING!" mode, I am far too stubborn and cheerful natured to remain in this frame of mind.

Today though all I can think about is how much work I have to do on the house before The Australians move in, how much work I have to do on top of also working full time, trying to sustain a relationship, friendships, two blogs, Twitter, Facebook and indulge my hobbies like reading and watching movies and cooking and getting out in the world and seeing and doing things. I so look forward to the time when I'll be able to get home from work, cook dinner and have a lovely evening with The Boy. At the moment I am constantly thinking about work, construction, worrying about friends and family members, trying to cram in the time to paint rooms, get carpet quotes, remember what day I have to clear a kitchen or clear a cellar and still go to the cinema to see True Grit or remember to meet my Nana for lunch. How I can manage to keep track of all the big tasks and still remember to shave my legs and drink at least 2 litres of water a day? My face looks like a potato at the moment. Must try harder for the sake of my skin and crow's feet.

Sometimes I want to just take a break from it all but then if I didn't have all these responsibilities what would motivate me? I'd just spend all day in my pyjamas eating cake.

When I do find myself in a position where I HAVE to take it easy, when I have to slow down - like when I had pneumonia - I can't handle it. It's not who I am, it's not what I do.

I am the person who does all the things.

"Even if I did get past all my problems, I'm just gonna get out and get new ones"
Ally McBeal

I have to stop telling myself silly things like "it will be better when I get out of debt"
I'm out of debt and nothing has changed. My finances still terrify me and money still stresses me out.

At the moment it's "it will be different when the decorating's finished"
When the house is ready and the Australians move in, granted my OCD will be less affected because they will have two beautiful rooms which should be virtually impossible to mess up and offend me with ugliness... but there will still be 2 strangers living in my house, needing to share my bathroom and my kitchen and the TV.

I'll have to modify my behaviour - no more walking around naked for a start - and be considerate about playing music that follows me from room to room.

What if they smoke? Sure they won't smoke in the house but I'd walk around with everything smelling like the smoke from their clothes and skin and hair and breath.

And heeeerrrre comes the stress again!  Do you know what I did yesterday? I went out in search of something cheerful and actually BOUGHT A GLEE DVD BOX SET. I have despised Glee with a passsion since my first exposure to them - the journey song which caused my ears to bleed violently. Then I learned that it was made by the people who made Ugly Betty and featured Jane Lynch so I knew it would be funny. Still I refused to watch it until a friend played me a clip on YouTube which made me cry and I ended up watching an episode at another friend's house which made me laugh.

I have failed at life by giving in to Glee but if it fills me with some it might be better for my health than cake.

Last night after I had painted a ceiling and cleared out The Boy's office I made myself some supper.
It was heaven on a plate.

Ziggy played guitarrrrrraaaaarrrrraaaarrrrrr.

Title: Comfortably Numb by David Bowie