Church on time, TERRORISE ME, church on time, MAKE ME PARTY

"I'm missing the bride gene. I should be put in a test-tube and studied" ~ Carrie, Sex & The City

After missing lunch yesterday led me to believe I was developing Alzheimers I took some time today to eat some leftover green thai curry (Omnomnom stinky office Onomnom I don't care Omnomnom *buries face in tupperware*) and read the latest issue of Yorkshire Life. (what, I read that. No I'm not 65. OK so I can't usually afford magazines but I was distracted by something shiny. The cover)

Where are all these parentheses coming from? STOP EATING MY WORDS UP!

Anyway. So I was flipping through it and saw this wedding dress.



And I didn't vomit.

Which is quite a big thing because whilst I would marry The Boy tomorrow without a second's hesitation I am actually allergic to the idea of having an actual wedding.
For serious, and I'll tell you why.

1) I refuse to look like a marshmallow for anyone. Or a Disney bride.
2) I refuse to allow my Bridezilla potential be realised. I know that if I let it out it will cause armageddon and I would arrive at my wedding day a scarlet, seething ball of stress with The Boy cowering next to me.
3) I don't like being the centre of attention. Yes I'm loud, yes I'm vivacious but I actually prefer deflecting attention from myself to my friends or the people I love.

Case in point - my friend Adele is an incredible photographer. HIRE HER HIRE HER.

Ahem.

4) My family is mad. Actually mad. My parents have both been married twice, they don't get along, there are mini feuds galore with Aunts and Uncles all over the place and to top it off The Boy's parents are also separated. We would have to either get married in a Hexagon with our friends in the middle and our families carefully seggregated by barbed wire around the outside or risk arguments of epic proportions over the seating plan.

5) It's very very expensive. Like really really expensive for what amounts to a party. A stressful party. Where everyone is fighting and I look ridiculous.

"Honey I love you but if you call our wedding a party one more time, you may not be invited" ~ Monica, Friends.

If it were up to me, I would drag The Boy off somewhere, get married alone and have it be about us, being in love, committing to one another and then let The Families battle it out to arrange some sort of celebration when we get back.

But that all changed this morning for a brief shining moment when I saw the dress. The dress which if it had a name, would be called Audrey Hepburn.

And why do wedding dresses always have stupid names like "phoebe" or "francesca"? Not that these are stupid names, but they are stupid names for a dress. If I made a wedding dress I'd call it Albert. Or Flugelbinder.

It wasn't the dress alone. I turned a few pages and discovered a feature on WEDDING CAKES MADE OF CHEESE. Not cheesecakes, actual tiers of brie or stilton with fruits and stuffs.

I wouldn't mind who was fighting if I could be stood in the corner in a pretty dress nomming on cheese. Mmmmm cheese. None of the disney brides had a cake made of cheese.


Mmmmmm. Cheese.

So buoyed up on the first pro-wedding feelings I have ever had I sent the following text message.

Our Hero: We have to get married. I just found a wedding dress that doesn't make me vomit and a company that makes wedding cakes out of cheese. Will you be my wife before I go all anti-wedding again?
The Boy: *radio silence* *tumbleweeds*

(disclaimer. He didn't actually reply to that effect. That is my overly dramatic way of saying that he has not yet responded. Either due to terror or because he is working very hard in Devon at his very important job. *clutches at straws*)

So I took it to Twitter.


I'll keep you posted!

Ziggy played guitarrrrrraaaaarrrrraaaarrrrrr


Title: Modern Love by David Bowie

5 comments:

Blue Lights Photography said...

*giggles* I love you and that dress is very nice x

Etoile Filante said...

Thank you Dellington. If he says no I'll still book you for a "rejection" shoot. I'll wear black and scowl at the camera. It will be brilliant. xxx

PurrfectPrincess said...

When you called it a Party I immediatly thought of that same Friends quote I seriously LOLed when i got to reading that. You would make a beautiful bride dear. :D

nerdwife said...

Your wedding doesn't have to be some sort of Disney thing. It can be whatever you want it to be. We got married on a week day, and didn't care if someone had a problem with something about the wedding. We had calls like "if this is happening, then we won't come". We didn't care. It was a brilliant day. I don't think i looked like a marshmallow.
I hope he says yes, because I'd love to see your wedding come to life.

knittycnixon said...

Bridezilla of armageddon shaped proportions... lol, that I'd love to see! Besides, the cake made entirely out of cheese (which incidentally looks even better in real life, I saw one at a wedding fair) would far outway any family level of crazy!